The Price of Death
by DaHaloChick
Summary: Shepard sees the photo of Kaidan in her room on the new Normandy and finally realizes the depth of what she has lost. FemShep/Kaidan


Rowan didn't know whether to to laugh or simply shake her head at the sight that greeted her when she entered her quarters. She had never seen something so…over-indulgent on a ship before in her life, and she had spent her entire childhood on ships. She wondered how serious Cerberus really was about their mission if they were willing to pump so many credits into this kind of unneeded excess.

As she walked further into the room, however, she couldn't help but admit to herself that it was a sweet room nonetheless. The decor was sleek and downright beautiful, the large, white bed at the far end of the room looked extremely comfortable even from this distance, and to the right she was pleased to see a desk, complete with a personal terminal and a small collection of books.

Many people wouldn't expect it of her, but Rowan loved to read. Her parents were often away on missions, and she had found early on in life that literature of every sort was a more than adequate way to put her loneliness aside. Even during some of the toughest times on the Normandy, she had yearned for the comfort of a book to take her mind off of things.

Curiosity got the best of her as she approached the desk, wondering what books were there. She doubted they were works of fiction, but that didn't matter to her. As she got closer, she realized there was a medal of honor next to the books. She picked it up gently and read the engraving. "Commander Rowan Shepard of the SSV Normandy, Hero to the Galaxy'," she read aloud. She scoffed, placing it back down on the table gently. Considering the bits and pieces of information she had heard about the changes in human-alien relations in the past two years that she had been dead, Rowan highly doubted there were many who agreed with the sentiment carved into the medal.

She turned her head suddenly at the sound of a beep and a light flickering. She realized a digital photo frame was next to the medal, and she felt her chest tighten when she recognized the image that appeared there.

"Kaidan."

His name exited her lips in a shaky breath. Slowly, she reached out a shaky hand, letting her fingers run along the cool surface of the frame. She hadn't known what she had expected to feel from touching the photo, but the absence of the warm, soft skin she had felt the night before Ilos forced a sob to escape her. She felt her knees give way, unable to take her eyes off of the photo as her body plunked awkwardly into the chair beside the desk.

She had been so caught up in everything that had come with her being pieced back together that she hadn't even realized the deeper effects of her absence. She had asked several people about her crew, of course, and she had learned that most of them had survived and had drifted off onto their own paths, but now, faced with the digital image of Kaidan, she felt what she had lost truly begin to sink in.

What the hell was she supposed to do if she ran into any of her crew again? She had already seen Tali on Freedom's Progress, and she had refused to come along with her, saying that she had her own mission now. She held no ill feelings, of course, but now she wondered, would the others receive her return any better than Tali had?

_What would Kaidan think if he saw me? He has to have moved on by now…_The thought tore at her insides, yet she knew that she could do nothing to prevent that. Their mission to stop Saren had been so pressing that they hadn't had a chance to really discover what had been between them. However, when she had woken up before their arrival on Ilos, met with the sight of Kaidan sleeping peacefully with his arms around her and a small smile on his face, she knew it was serious. She had never let anyone get as close to her as Kaidan had been, and her death had surely cost her that.

It had cost her countless other things too, of course, but as Kaidan's image blurred in her vision and warm tears fell from her eyes, she knew that he was the most important thing she had lost.

_I can't let him slip away from me_, she thought to herself suddenly, _not without a damn good fight_.

She had to find Kaidan somehow, had to discover what he was up to. Even if he had moved on, she couldn't live with herself if she didn't at least see him. She wanted him to know that she was alive, to maybe take away whatever pain her passing had caused him. She had to try and find not just Kaidan, she decided, but her entire crew.

They were her family, the one group of people that she let herself relax around and trusted with her life. She owed it to them to seek them out, to be sure they were okay, to perhaps take whatever sorrow her death had caused them away as well. She had to try her damnedest.

"There you go again," Rowan said to the image before her solemnly, "Inspiring me to do my best, no matter what. You always were good at that."

For now, however, for at least a few minutes, she could allow herself to mourn what she had lost. As she let herself sob from the bottom of her gut, she swore to herself that when she was done, she would dry her tears, give the Collectors hell, and find her crew, her family, again. They never abandoned her, and she sure as hell wouldn't abandon them, no matter what.


End file.
